I'm but a poet who failed his best play

I hide my weakness. I hide. I hide and I sick of hiding. I hide because of the reactions people may have about my thoughts. I know for sure that my thought are very deep, and sometimes I even scare myself with them. Not only my thoughts, also my dreams. I don't know... I just don't want to be that kind of people that go to the university, graduate, have a job, get married and have children. I hate that kind of life, knowing your routine and thinking that that's all you are going to be doing the rest of your life. I love music. I love singing. End of the story. That's all I wanna do in my life, sing. But sometimes my voice cracks or I just cannot reach highternotes or I'm out of tune and... I know I can do it, I can reach the highest note and my voice is so strong that it's not likely for it to crack. I know that thouse mistakes only happend because I don't let myself go further. I know I'm good at it, and I know that my life is not meant to be that way. I'm not allowed to dream about music, so, I just make mistakes on purpuse just to not encourage myself with that sweet flavor of finally finding what I've been looking for. I don't want to accept it. I won't allowed myself accept it.
Don't missunderstood me, I love singing. I don't care if I do ir good or bad, if I sing pop, metal, rock, in english, spanish, germany, whatever. I love it. That's my thing. I'm afrait to touch heaven with my hands, because that's where my heaven is, in music. I'm so afraid to go back to the reality once I felt like that. I'd rather stay on the ground and dream, that suffer the fall. I't a terrible thought, specially for me, that's not an advice I would give to someone in the same situation. But I have so much to lose...
I don't know what to do, leaving, die and reborn from my ashes, make a new life far away form my roots, or stay, hang on, until I can't do it any more...

 "I'm afraid, I'm so afraid.

being raped, again and again, and again

I know I will die alone

but loved.

I just wish the tide would catch me first and give me

a death I always longed for."

THE POET AND THE PENDULUM - NIGHTWISH